| ahem |
[27 Nov 2004|12:15am] |
dear livejournal,
you're lame.
sincerely,
tati tuti fresh and fruiti
p.s.- my eye is itchy.. but life is good.
|
|
| friends dont waste wine when there's words to sell |
[24 Oct 2004|12:30am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
interpol- the new |
] |
i feel like i'm dying slowly... like every day is a little worse. today was exceptionally bad. i'll just keep my mouth shut about it out of respect of others. i wouldn't appreciate if he wrote things about me in his live journal, so i'll try to do the same... i cried for so long. then i started freaking out and screaming and getting extremely angry. my parents finally came and i pulled it together. this is the first time in a while that i got it in my head that i must hurt myself. i havent yet, if it matters. we'll see how this week goes. you think i'd be drugged up enough not to have these problems anymore, but nope. it still haunts me.
i tried to be at the festival, but i couldnt get that lump out of my throat, those horrible images and thoughts out of my head... i just told my parents i had a headache and i wanted to lay down, which was true.. i just left out the whole "and i hope i never wake up" part. "you'll find someone youre more compatible with, sweetie..." what a ridiculous platitude. that means nothing to me. i think there is nothing sadder than having your parents reassure you that you're beautiful because you know it's a load of horse shit. my mom even had the audacity to tell me that plenty of people "like" me (meaning guys). how the fuck would she know? actually, no one does... oh wait, mom, unless you mean plenty of guys want to fuck me because that's the truth. and that's all they want. to fuck me and leave me. and i do it. why do i do it? i do it because i feel it's better than not feeling wanted at all. but is it? i feel like it's all i'm good for. no one will ever love me again. what do i have to offer? i'm cynical and depressing and i'm fat and unattractive. great combo right there. no wonder i have so many dates.
maybe this sounds like a one girl pity party, but i dont even fucking care. do you know how long i've felt like this? it's getting to the point where i really dont value my life. i could care less what happens to me.
i told my mom i cant come here next semester. well, i literally said, "i need to get the fuck out of here, mom" and she said, "if you leave now, we'll lose so much money... can you stay till the end of the semester? then you can come home... i guess you'll just have to move back home." i dont even want to move home. that's the worst option i've ever heard. i cannot live with my parents. this summer was hell. so unless i get my own place, there is no way in hell i can leave here. imagine being 20 and having your mother wake you up at 9 am for no good reason. and putting sheets under the door in the basement to smoke and being paranoid all the time that they're gonna bitch me out. and realistically, if i go home all i'll do is get a job and spend all my money on drugs, i know it. and what about school? i'll never get a decent job... i'm gonna amount to nothing.
but how can i stay here? there's nothing here for me anymore. nothing.
|
|
| most disappointing day of my life |
[16 Oct 2004|10:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
deflated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
some documentary is on tv |
] |
do i even have the energy to explain it all? pretty much thought today was going to be the best day of my life, because not only was sean astin going to be at the muesem of science, but he was going to be signing his new book.. yes, meeting people, shaking their hands, giving them hugs. any of you who know me would understand how this would be my life long dream and how i could die happy after this. so mom agrees to take me home this weekend and we decide to go to the muesem "early" cause sean is having 2 signing sessions. so we get there at 10 a.m. and are in line by 10:15.. but wait- someone is standing at the end of the line telling people they cant line up anymore. he wasnt even fucking THERE yet and they told us we couldnt line up. "sorry... we didnt expect this large of a turnout.. there are way too many people here. these people in line probably wont even get to him by 5." mind you, it's fucking 10 a.m. and i specifically came home this weekend thinking this was gonna be an amazing day.. it was my present from my parents for making the dean's list. my eyes welled up but i kept telling myself "dont be a pussy, it's your own fault. you should have been here at 8." i sat down on a rock and watched these girls who had driven 5 hours to see sean start bawling. and we bought tickets to the muesem before all this bull shit cause we thought we had to. if we had just gotten in line, we probably would have made it. but i dont even want to think about it.
so i did see him... oh god, he's beautiful. every time someone yelled to him he would look up to them and wave and blow them a kiss. pretty much the most adorable man i have ever seen in my life. but to be that close, watch all these people shake his hand and tell him how amazing he is and to not be able to do the same! it was fucking heart wrenching. i know i'm being a little girl, but it was so disappointing.
one highlight: at lunch we met this grandma named harriet and her grand-daughter, victoria. victoria was 11 and she was so funny. i told harriet what happened to me and harriet said, "i'm in the front- want me to take your book for you? you can have up to 5 books signed. he's not personalizing them, but at least it's something." harriet makes me believe that there really are good people in this world today. she said he was so sweet and so nice and he shook everyone's hands. AHH! but just the fact that he touched my book is kind of crazy. and victoria said "i froze up! i couldnt speak!" haha, she was the cutest.
alright, that's enough. why did i even fucking rehash this? now i really just want to crawl into a dark space and die.
|
|
|
[12 Oct 2004|08:01pm] |
i feel so fucking hated here. i just want to go home
i cant stand it. i cant even cry in my own god damn room. FUCK!!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
[11 Oct 2004|08:53pm] |
it was good to feel wanted again.. it was good to cuddle. it felt nice. it was good to be called beautiful, although i know such things dont matter.
i wish i could fall in love again, but i dont even know if that's what i really want
this entry was pointless and stupid. i apologize to anyone who took the time to read it.
|
|
|
[05 Oct 2004|09:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
jealous |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
lena park- ordinary |
] |
i'm crying
i'm crying
i'm crying
i'm crying... i'm crying.. i'm crying..
i'm crying so softly..
you can't even hear me...
i can't hear it either, but i can feel it. i can feel the tears in my eyes
i can feel it..
i can feel my heart dying.
i can't stop crying
|
|
|
[01 Oct 2004|04:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
jedi mind tricks- what's really good |
] |
TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
i woke up and my head was calling out your name.
i really miss you a lot. i know you havent heard from me, so maybe it doesnt seem so... but god, i miss you. i have so much to ask you and so much to tell.. i dont even know where to begin. i almost hate that we have to "catch up." it feels unnatural that we dont know what's going on in each others' lives.
anyway, i hope things are still beautiful and fun where you are.
send weeju? please? you dont even need a return address, i swear
p.s.- i wanted a letter/postcard too.. i just never said anything cause i figured you would send me one regardless. but this is my address:
MS6683
229 Main St.
Keene, NH, 03435
and why i didnt just email this to you is beyond me.. i was looking at live journal but i didnt feel like writing about anything but you...
|
|
| everything sucks today |
[21 Sep 2004|09:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
disappointed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
doors- crystal ship |
] |
it hurts to live. ry ry gave me a cold. but i still love him. this weekend was crazy and not so crazy at the same time. keene can be pretty lame.
mer, kt, and ry ry came up on friday and we got food and went back to my room to smoke mad weeju, as usual. dani came on saturday and we all just chilled.. i dont even remember what we did, is that good? haha. what the hell did we do? i remember getting jelly beans.. a movie perhaps? we smoked a blunt with some randoms who dont even go here- they just smelled the weeju down the hall and it lead to my room. good times. the cops knocked on my door sunday, pretty good. i thought i was gonna pee myself, but it wasnt even us. these girls across the hall were smoking. of course my room smelled like cashed pot and still smells like resin a little. and the bong case was in plain sight, but cops are fucking stupid.
who's stupid? yah moms! haha me and kt are a couple of top grade assholes.
people are ignorant in this town.. we got looks everywhere we went. i wanted to punch this bitch in the face for talking about kt's skirt. they're just jealous of our love!
on to more important things.. i broke up my trileptal and was gonna go snort it in the bathroom cause.. why the hell not? i'm bored and tired and i thought maybe it would give me some energy. then this weird bitch in the hallway started staring at me, and i was like "what's up, man?" and she just kept staring and started following me and tapping her shoes on my shoulder. needless to say, my drugs fell to the floor. i'm all for being random and odd, but dont fucking knock my drugs out of my hands- i will kill you. i bet those girls saw all this white powder fall out of the card i was holding.. hahahah, they probably think i'm a coke head. i wish i was a coke head- i also wish coke wasnt so bad for you. cause it makes me feel so good.
why cant they make anti-depressants like coke? coke makes me feel amazing. unfortunately, it's all chemicals and would probably give me a massive heart attack since i'm already overweight and in bad health. fuck life
to everyone who reads this, i miss you, please leave me a little message to let me know youre still livin.
going to kt's this weekend. yo fucking holla. mer is probably gonna come up on thursday to take me home friday.. best thing of my life! that's only 2 days away. yesssss. maybe ry ry will skip his classes on friday and come with mer. how about it, ry??
ay ay ay, i need to see polish!! i gotta see him soon. i wanna party with polish! that should be the weekend after this one. or maybe columbus day weekend. 4 day weekend, yo hollz.
and when can i go to nyc to see gregy and trina?? too much shit to do. just too much shit.
|
|
| i'm just thinking, is all |
[13 Sep 2004|01:20am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
i'm spread so thin |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
built to spill- the weather |
] |
i'm not sure whether to get all reminiscent (sp?) or just talk about how things are here. maybe both? i dont know.
keene is pretty fucking lame most of the time. i spend a good deal of time crying, some time laughing, and a lot of time working and stressing out. my roommate, ashley, is very cool. we have some serious tool sheds on this floor, so i'd say we lucked out. she doesn't do drugs or drink really, but she doesnt mind if i smoke in the room. yo fucking holla to that. anyway, she's really nice and we get along, so that's good. i lucked out in that department. and our RA is pretty chill. it's matt power's girlfriend, amanda. we all know matt is a big pothead, so i'm sure amanda isnt gonna be a hard ass about that stuff. i could never see her smoking, but she must if she's with matt. maybe not, whatev.
so things have been kind of meh... rodrigo died this morning :( i wanted to cry, but i didnt. i'm trying not to be a baby about it, but i was pretty upset. i think he died of pneumonia. maybe if those fuckers at the pet store told me he needed a heating lamp i could have taken care of that... anyway, i'm gonna cry if i think about it further. i feel like a horrible murderer. rodrigo deserved better.. and grandpa ry ry died on the way here. eh i dont even want to think about it, i'm getting so sad.
something wicked fucked happened to my friend. i'm not mentioning names cause i know people read this. she was pretty much sexually assaulted by this guy.. came damn close to being raped. and it sucks, cause i want to tell someone, but i promised i wouldnt. she still hasnt decided what she's gonna do. uggghhh what if she doesnt want to say anything? what the hell am i gonna do? i saw that fucker today and i glared at him like i was gonna pull out a knife.. i wanted to punch his fucking teeth in. i tried to make light of the situation and tell her i know people who can take care of him. she laughed, but inside i know she's so shaken and scared about what happened. people make me sick.
i miss everyone so much. i was really worried about mer, but now she seems to be feeling much better. i'm glad she has ry ry back home. in a way, i'm jealous. i wish i could be home with them. but i'm sure they wish they could be somewhere else too. i was talking to katie about how youre home friends are so different from you school friends... like you love your school friends, but your home friends are the best people in the world. i love you all more than life. katie, ry ry, and mer are supposed to come visit next weekend. that would be so amazing. and i got my dan dan only a half hour away. but she's having so much fun, i doubt she'll wanna come to keene a lot. but i'm so happy for her. i just wish i could have a good college experience too. i suck at making friends.
i dont know if i'm gonna make it through this entire semester. i just dont know.
|
|
| time to feel good |
[02 Sep 2004|10:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 chipper |
] |
this week has been miserable. i cant lie. things have been really difficult. but i've come to so many important conclusions and decisions and right now i feel like a giant weight has lifted off my shoulders. i'm smiling! i'm sincerely smiling! i still dont know if i'm gonna stay at keene state, but no matter what i know things are gonna be ok.
i've realized that kris and i cannot be friends. it's too hard for both of us. i will always have a place in my heart for him.. he's my first everything- that's a big deal to me. i like us both as individuals, but us together is just a bad combination. i just cant feel responsible for his unhappiness anymore because i know it's not my fault. and hopefully things will look up for him too. actually i know they will. he's a very driven, dedicated person. good luck to you, kris.
so anyway, on to feeling good! today would have been just an ordinary day, but i tried my best to make it better. i had lunch and dinner with jen, i dropped my math class and added a new one (so glad to get that squared away), i took care of some business stuff, and right now i'm chilling with my roomie and her friend, max :) she's a lot of fun. i have a good feeling we're gonna get along great! i feel so dorky with all this happy pappy crap spewing out but AHHHH it feels good. THEN tonight i heard from the greatest people in the world!!! mer called me and she was with greg, ry ry, etak, and Trina on plum island. i got to talk to ry, it was great to hear his voice. and they're gonna come pick me up tomorrow!!!! i cant fucking wait, i'm so excited!!! being sober for this long has been odd... not bad, just different. i act like it's been weeks. try a few days... and tomorrow night i'll be saying bye to trina and gregy, but it will be ok. there will be so many visits and shit and hearing about trace's travels and seeing her pictures and ahhhhh
annnnnd the best part of this weekend:
ZAI'S PARTY ON SATURDAY!!!! (i got you the hottest housewarming present, zai) it's gonna be so much fun. i think everyone needs a night of fun. things have been stressful for us all.
happiness is a warm gun.
and a special message for zai:
BUUUUUUUURGER KING
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
gardengrove63's journal